Off the rails
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Some of you will know that I spend an inordinate amount of my time on trains. because of this and because it’s Monday and I’m cranky. I give you my top 5 no-nos for train travel.
1) Do not touch my leg with your leg. Gentlemen, you are not that well hung. Your legs do not need to be at a right angle. Keep them away from me…..ok?
2) Do not eat a banana. Do you know how much those things stink? And especially the skins once you’ve opened them? Banana = bad.
3) Do not listen to shit music. You should know that I am the judge and jury on this one. Harsh? Live with it. And iPod headphones are rubbish. I can hear everything. If you are listening to SuBo, we will need to have words.
4) Do not speak on the phone if you cannot enunciate properly. If I want to hear grunting I can speak to my children. Plus, you don’t need to tell them you are “on the train”, they know……you keep cutting out every 30 seconds.
5) Do not take your shoes off. This is not a flight, you will not get DVT. Keep ’em on. There is no need for it, ever.
Thank you. The End.
My Hell is Other People 
And for my fellow passengers this morning:
Picking your nose and wiping it on the seat for the best part of an hour does not count as onboard entertainment for fellow passengers.
Inspecting the contents of whatever you have picked out of your ear, as if you expect to find gold nuggests (see above).
Talking for over an hour twenty on the topic of your unfair treatment during pregnancy – the glares from the other passengers should not have been interpreted as symathy and/or concern – or in any way as an incentive to continue with your fascinating tale at a higher volume.
There, I feel a little better…
I want to play!
1. Share the armrest. You don’t get the whole thing just because you sit down first.
2. Throwing your briefcase/backpack onto the seat next to you does not give you rights to that seat when the train starts to fill up. I will ask you to move it so I can sit. That is, if I can speak your language. Moroccan train riders who kept their feet and luggage in the seats as I passed through four coaches, looking for a place to sit, you’re rude. And yeah – I’m using my cultural standards to judge you. Live with it.
3. If I am reading, don’t talk to me. Don’t ask if you can sit next to me if the ENTIRE COACH IS EMPTY. I did not ride the 6: 00 a.m. train to meet men. Really.
And Frenchmen – this is the non-smoking coach. I looked for the non-smoking coach specifically because I hate cigarette smoke. I know you are all, “Mais je suis Francais and nobody is going to tell ME what to do and aren’t we the ones who defined individual liberty and helped you Americaines beat King George and I have my rights not to be bossed around by the government, even if it means dog poop on the sidewalks everywhere I turn but merde, nobody tells a Francais what to do,” but there is a smoking coach. Must you smoke here? And must I bring up WWII?
I, too, spend much of my life travelling on trains. The people that really get me are those that sit there, apparently in judgement of others on the train. I think those miserable people must have had their tolerance and life force sucked out of them by the incessant tedium of their working lives. They try to reclaim some excitement from their younger, more rebellious, days by offering criticism of technology and musical taste, but really this is a vain attempt to resurrect their long dead sense of life. They are the rotting corpses of commuting life, and no amount of effort will ever reinvigorate them.
The other people I can’t understand (but am amused by) are those who get out of their seat and stand by the door for the length of the journey between the previous station and their destination. I sit by the door, wait until the train is there, then get up.
HRD, you’re making me want to fly over there and do precisely everything you’ve enumerated! The trick, of course, would be finding you…
@Amanda – welcome and thanks for taking the time to comment…..I think! You know where to come if you want to let off steam! (interesting comment on pregnancy by the way)
@The gold digger – Those pesky cheese eating surrender monkeys eh? As for the armrest thing, that does my head in…..and the bags……in fact……the lot!
@fernandomando – As ever a slightly off centre view of life…….
@mkeeffer – I live in the shadows……you’ll never succeed!!!