Off the rails
Some of you will know that I spend an inordinate amount of my time on trains. because of this and because it’s Monday and I’m cranky. I give you my top 5 no-nos for train travel.
1) Do not touch my leg with your leg. Gentlemen, you are not that well hung. Your legs do not need to be at a right angle. Keep them away from me…..ok?
2) Do not eat a banana. Do you know how much those things stink? And especially the skins once you’ve opened them? Banana = bad.
3) Do not listen to shit music. You should know that I am the judge and jury on this one. Harsh? Live with it. And iPod headphones are rubbish. I can hear everything. If you are listening to SuBo, we will need to have words.
4) Do not speak on the phone if you cannot enunciate properly. If I want to hear grunting I can speak to my children. Plus, you don’t need to tell them you are “on the train”, they know……you keep cutting out every 30 seconds.
5) Do not take your shoes off. This is not a flight, you will not get DVT. Keep ’em on. There is no need for it, ever.
Thank you. The End.