If you don’t eat yer meat, you can’t have any pudding
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So today I have my annual performance review. Yup really. I get to be told how well or how badly I’ve done over the last year. And I get to talk about how I have found things and the support that I need.
Being a grown up, this is of course a pointless waste of time……
Which reminds me of the old school reports they used to give you, “Theo has a tendency to get carried away with the sound of his own voice” or “If effort were ability, Theo would still be bottom of the class”.
So here is my thought….I reckon you lot are better are appraising than anyone in my real life….so I want you to close your eyes, imagine you’re there in the mortar board and gown….chalk on your fingers and the smell of the staffroom clinging to your clothes…
And then write me my school report!
Go on…..you know you want to!
My Hell is Other People 
As you say, a chance we don’t get every day 😉
Ahem (puts on best and strictest school ma’am voice)
Theo is creative and enjoyes English literature, particularly writing. He excels at debating and at provoking discussion with his peers. Whilst he can appear somewhat gruff on the outside, Theo interacts well with his schoolmates and will go out of his way to help them. He is kind and considerate although at times seems to wish to conceal this to those who don’t know him so well.
Theo does at times have a short attention span and can get frustrated if things don’t go his way. He is not compliant to the expected rules and regulations and likes to shock, particularly by use of some foul language at times and dubious innuendo (which I do not understand myself, but have been advised by my colleagues is not always as beyond reproach as it should be). He can be rebellious at times.
Theo is a valued and mostly popular member of the class, particularly when he plays nicely 🙂
Oh I enjoyed that….might suggest the school report replacing appraisalas at my next board meeting!!!
Overall grades: “N” for attendance; “N” for effort; “N” for attainment” (with “N” in each case connoting “nausea.”).
Theo is an expressive character who always says what he means – his peers, and superiors are left in no doubt as to his opinion of them.
He is a creative and direct communicator and often uses shock tactics to get his point accross. He can often be humorous and even selfless but also has a tendency towards temper tantrums and verbal abuse.
We are a little concerned about his identity issues………….
🙂
Master HRD is a diligent, if not somewhat flippant student who appears to be well liked, despite his tendency to be blunt/rude. I have had to take the cane to him occasionally for his habitual use of foul language and he can be incredibly grumpy, preferring at times to shove his hands in his pockets and moan about others instead of getting stuck in and using his unquestionable talents to change things.
However, he appears incredibly loyal to those that get to know him and has excelled himself with his willingness to help others in class less fortunate than himself.
His work is always of a very high standard and I’m expecting good results from him this year.
If I didn’t know better I would say he had a split personality…..
Irritating yet likeable pupil who has yet to develop any real identity of his own hence has little direction. This is reflected in his written work which tends to be little more than an opinionated rant.
In person he can be very engaging and knowledgeable.
His recent expulsion was regrettable but neccessary.
Could do better.
Must try harder.
Can Theo’s mother make an appointment, as a matter of urgency, with the school secretary please?
See other teacher’s comments above. Clear concern that he has split personality, bordering on obsessive compulsive disorder, a flair for brilliance which suggests a high degree of single mindedness, and seems to enjoy flirting with the women in his circle edging dangerously close to being a pimp. Basket case in the making. Good luck.
Mr & Mrs HRD: there is no doubt whatsoever – TheHRD is Different! Thank you for coming to see us! Have a pleasant evening!
Excellent at French
Slow progress in politics
Steeped in history
Biology is dubious
Strong at written and verbal English, however, has a tendency to wind up class members of inferior intellect
However, excels in team activities, and often undertakes the role of class counsellor. Loyal, supportive, but certainly not a pushover
Repeatedly drunk in class.
When we can identify him, Theo is an excellent student. Unfortunately, there are days when his disguises are so good that we don’t know who he is.
May I suggest that his parents confiscate the fake wigs, moustaches and other assorted items so that we can identify him on a more regular basis.
On a more positive note, he comes in handy for the local police identity parades as this raises money for the school library fund.
Having only been at the school for a couple of terms my early observations are that he is well liked and respected by his classmates. He does, as my colleagues have noted, have a tendency to use expletives during class circle time, and in some of his written work. I think this enables him to share his thoughts though, and, as a forward thinking school, we have let him express himself in this way so as not to stifle him.
I agree that his written work has been a little, shall we say, smutty at times. It does seem though that his classmates accept this behaviour – some even seem to encourage it.
Recent school excursions, like the one with our special needs coordinators (Mrs. Scales, Mr. Franklin and Ms. Knight), and the family weekend away to France seem to have brought out the best in him, and it is after such trips that he is at his most cooperative in class.
I did notice last week that Theo spent some time on the “Friend Stop”. I think this is down to his strange behaviour at playtime – he can often be heard in the playground asking classmates to “build a straw man” rather than play football and at lunchtimes he continuously complains about “not having a seat at the table” – strange behaviour, I am sure you will agree!
Well done Theo.
PS Keep up the good work in French!!
Theo is a very caring and passionate pupil who enjoys discussion and is always forthcoming with his opinions. I think he is frustrated with the real or imagined views of HR that exist and is working hard to provoke debate and challenge the status quo to stimulate some change. I always enjoy reading his work, he is well read and articulate and as a result I often have to go away and do some further research/thinking myself. He has the courage to say what he thinks regardless of whether he remains popular, and that in itself demonstrates his integrity. I look forward to his smutty outbursts (secretly of course) and think he would make a very effective organisational consultant. ( I don’t know how to do signs for a small giggle).
The drop in the frequency of his essays featuring ‘”bollocks” is disturbing.
@Alison Chisnell – I’m all for getting rid of appraisals and replacing them with the old fashioned report!
@Michael Carty – That may well be overlooked by the non Sartrians amongst us! 🙂
@Tracey Dunn – Split personality? Do you mean me or my other friend?
@garethmjones – You never miss an opportunity do you! 🙂
@Mervyn Dinnen – Irritating?
@Henry – hahahaha…..
@Alison Ashford – 😦
@Stephen O’Donnell – At least it isn’t my dad! 🙂
@Sukh Pabial – Basket case in the making…….hahaha…..
@MrAirmiles – “different” one of those damning phrases…..
@BettyBBlonde – “Drink”? Did you mention drink?
@onatrainagain – The thought of myself with a moustache scares me…..
@Sarah Durbridge – Love the special needs coordinators reference! 🙂
@MegP – I don’t know the sign for a small giggle either….and now I wish I did!
@Geekette – Bollocks.
Here at St Trinians, we value character-building. It appears that Theo is building his character from equal parts of Charlie Brooker, Reggie Perrin, Malcolm McLaren, Alf Garnett, Melanie Phillips and Brian Clough, and we may need to intervene at some point to at least assure ourselves that he is developing the self-awareness to identify and tackle problems that might arise from this strategy.
His ability to combine a taste for anonymity with an apparent desire for attention and popularity also hint at possible underlying issues that may yet need to be addressed, although this conflict (low profile vs need for recognition) does fit the classic profile of those with similar career ambitions in HR.
A challenging but oddly compelling student.