The 10 things HR should do

1) Take a percentage of any pay increases they are asked to approve and which they do not agree with (I’m thinking a 10% cut)

2) Punish employees for asking stupid questions. (My son has a phrase “nipple cripple”.  Now I would advocate that for all genders, but you know…..fun as it might be…..)

3) Give lines. (“I must not avoid having difficult conversations, I must not avoid having difficult conversations, I must not….)

4) Challenge payroll to a game of conkers when matters of dispute arise (no stampsies and winner takes all).

5) Play Russian Roulette with a P45 once a month (“You thought it was your pay slip?  We don’t want to give you that, we want to give you this!”)

6) Train arseholes employees on how to look for a job elsewhere rather than hanging around and moaning like a bunch of pre pubescent teens (“This is called a JobCentre”).

7) Fine suppliers that start any pitch with “We have developed a unique and innovative approach…..” (Fixed fee of £500?)

‘8) Make anyone from Accounts where a badge saying “Bean counting dickhead” (Because…..well…ok that one is just for fun).

9) Kissck the arse of the CEO on a regular basis (If we don’t who the hell will?)

10) Start spurious rumours about anyone that has annoyed/irritated/asked for help and see how far you can get them to spread within 24hours.  (HR team building at its best….)