The urn, the pig and the predictions
Forget Michael Jackson, that was yesterday’s news (or in fact ceased to be newsworthy post 1979 and Off the Wall).
Today sees the start of the Ashes….now that’s a real event.
Yep we’re talking cricket. For those of you from less cultured countries, this is a game played over 5 days involving 11 people on each team, throwing and hitting a ball, whilst dressed in white. Sure it’s a little unusual, but it is also the greatest sport on earth.
I’m not going to try and explain the lure of cricket, you’re either born with it or you’re not (although think “5 days sitting in the sun with friends drinking” and you get somewhere close).
But the Ashes, well that’s extra special because it’s against the Aussies. And we know that the non-indigenous Australians are descendents of ex-criminals transported there by the English. And that makes it extra spicy. They don’t like us, we don’t like them.
Don’t believe me? Imagine a solid wooden ball covered in leather coming at chest height at around 150kph…duck? hit? ambulance?
But why all this talk of cricket? What on earth does that have to do with the world of HR…..?
Because I have two predictions.
Anyone that tried to access the BBC website last Friday afternoon whilst Andy Murray was playing will have experienced significant difficulties. Everyone was sat at work watching the furry little Scotsman on his inevitable charge towards second class sporting prowess. Sky Sports will be streaming the five five-day tests live. Expect IT systems in businesses around the UK to crash and burn on those days and productivity to fall.
We also have a creeping increase in the cases of Swine Flu going on here too. Advice is that if you are experiencing flu like symptoms to stay at home until you feel better. Reported cases peaked over the last few weeks (the hottest of the year….coincidence or not?) If the Ashes series is tight and goes into a clinching test don’t be surprised if it coincides with a new high in the number of reported cases of swine flu.
You have been warned….
Welcome to the asylum
Today I’m striking out. I’m fed up. I’m fed up hearing how pathetic and pointless HR is.
Sure there are a lot of crap people in the profession. There are a lot of weak pointless individuals who are in HR because they “like people”. Really? Well go audition for Miss. World then and you can travel the world and meet lots of people….and if you are really good you might get to help the children too.
What’s that? You can’t? I forgot…..too ugly. Ugly, stupid and ineffective. That sums up about 90% of the profession.
But let’s be honest, look around you, the rest of them ain’t that good either…..
Finance – You count. That’s what you do. You count. It’s taught in school. My children can do it. Its not that fucking impressive is it? And particularly as you have computers the size of Peru to help you do it these days. You are as strategic as a lump of four week old cheddar found down the back of the fridge. And you count. Congratulations.
Marketing – Yep you know these guys. They were the ones at University always off their tits on something. Why do so many students want to work in Marketing? Because it’s easy. And because it’s about pretty pictures. Deep down you all want to be the writer or creator of the next big thing don’t you? But you’re not…..because you didn’t make it. You are as creative as a door knob. So go market. Promote stuff you didn’t make to people you don’t know. Sounds enriching.
Sales – Where to start, where to start…… Imagine a litter of Labrador puppies on amphetamines. Excitable, directionless, cute but ultimately ineffective. 99% of the time the person has already made a decision whether to buy or not. That makes about three days a year in which you actually achieve something. The rest of the time? You are as beneficial as fluff in the wind. Do you want a doggie treat?
Just a personal opinion, I mean….don’t take it seriously…..I’m only HR.
The moment when self worth explodes
I was jumped on when least prepared and at my most vulnerable.
”What do you do in HR?” she asked.
I readied my defences against the, “provide tissues, bake cakes and go home early” attack (the last bit being of course true, but then who’s going to discipline me?)
But there was unnerving sincerity. “I mean I know you guys are scary” she said, “but what do you do?”
Now I’m not scary, nor am I evil. In fact I’m the sort of guy you could take home to meet your mum and I wouldn’t kick the dog, worry the cat or pull the heads off your baby sister’s dolls. Indeed I am perfectly housetrained and an all round good chap….honest…..I’ve even been told I can be charming with a good following wind and a running start.
But what do I do………………………….?
Frantically, I reached for the Blueberry, scrolling through the week’s events, emails and meetings.
“You see I………I do…..things like……things like….well there’s some stuff here that I did…..and some stuff I’m going to do. Then there are the other things……..things that need doing ………when I’ve worked out how I’m going to do them……….for when the other stuff is done……simple……..really”
Crap….what do I do?
And double crap…….how come it takes up so much time and energy?
Wishing the days away
That’s…………
3 hours and 5 minutes a day.
15 hours and 25 minutes a week
801 hours a year or 33 days
That’s………….
over a month each year just trying to get to and from my place of work.
And sure there are some upsides. I get to listen to music, read a book, think about my life, the universe and everything.
1) Super sized people – if you can’t fit on one seat of the train and therefore take half of mine, pay for two. If not, squeeze yourself. This is your problem and not mine. Sorry, if its harsh, but its true.
2) Man trolleys – You know those bags on a stick that you drag behind you? They are wrong in so many ways. You are a human caravan. You are not allowed to overtake. Put yourself in the slow lane and get the fuck out of my way.
3) Backpacks – When you have one of these on, you take up more space…just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t pressed into my face. Think of yourself like Quasimodo…..get the picture?
4) Stupid ring tones – You are the only person in the world who would have “Pinball Wizard” as your ring tone, so why the hell have you not realised that and answered your phone. Are you really thinking “oh someone with the same taste as me?” Because there is no-one.
5) Smelly food – Wrong, wrong, wrong for so many reasons. You eat at a table. You wouldn’t do this in the theatre. You wouldn’t do this in the Doctor’s surgery. Don’t do this in a confined tubular human carrier.
6) Super sized headphones – It’s not cool, it’s stupid. These are portable devices. The clue is in the name. You need a separate man trolley for your headphones….that makes you an idiot on two counts.
I could go on, but I fear that I may alienate the remaining two non-American readers who survived the previous humour reference.
Maybe I need a holiday.
It’s the smallest things……
As I have grown older (and hopefully wiser), I have become more attuned to the impact that the small things have on morale and motivation. No longer do I knee jerk to the “HR has to be commercial, lets slash and burn the fuck out of the organisation” mantra. Instead I try to understand what is important to others as well as myself.
This is never more in focus than in recessionary times when the pressure is on to target these marginal elements for cost saving, to see them as “low hanging fruit” (pause to vomit).
Reducing the quality of the coffee
Removing the subsidised canteen
Cancelling the Christmas party
Changing the expenses policy
In one organisation I worked in they altered the frequency that the bins were emptied. Instead of the bins being emptied everyday they emptied them every other day. Most colleagues ate at their desks whilst working and not taking a proper lunch break. Their commitment was rewarded by stinking bins. Their response? To ban employees from eating at their desks. Go figure….
And this highlights the second issue. In my experience, there exists a colossal reality gap between the decision makers and the people that are impacted by their decisions. I give you two scenarios from a recent “recession planning” board session,
The Sales Director proposing the removal of the canteen subsidy saying, “No-one will notice the extra couple of quid on a sandwich”. Not when you are earning a good six figure salary no. But then…..most people aren’t.
The IT Director that proposed making savings “by restricting access to social networking sites”. And totally pissing off a large proportion of the workforce who is under 35, work excessively long hours and like to check into Facebook during the working day.
These are the sorts of decisions and conversations that are going on all over the corporate world. I believe it is incumbent on any decent HR professional to stop and challenge and make sure that we realise the extent of the decisions we are making and are not jumping head first into short-termism that ultimately rips the heart and soul from our organisation. To stand up for the people who maybe don’t have a voice at the big table and to represent a fair and balanced view of what is important to employees.
Because, like it or not, if we don’t do it, it’s unlikely that anybody else will and ultimately our organisations will suffer….as will our people.
And for the record,
We still heavily subsidise the canteen
We have open access to social networking sites
BUT,
We didn’t pay any exec bonuses
Now that’s what I call real savings……….
Total applause
I provide work, you provide pay. That’s the basis of the contract of employment.
I stop working, you don’t have to pay.
You stop paying, I don’t have to work.
Simple really….no?
Then consider this story.
As I repeatedly say, I am not a union basher (and in this case it looks like the unions are keeping this at arms length!), but I applaud Total and Jacobs.
My reasons for this are,
1) 51 jobs were lost. That requires statutory consultation. THAT is where you make your points as a collective workforce. If consultation wasn’t properly carried out you get an injunction and make them start again.
2) Wildcat strikes are illegal. You may agree with this, you may not. But that is the law. The workers here have a history of doing this. It is simply unacceptable.
3) Having illegally withdrawn labour the strikers are in breach of their contracts. There are legal and legitimate ways to organise industrial action. This is not one of them.
I’m sorry, but I have no sympathy for the workers, although I do for their families who will suffer as a result of this stupid macho dick-swinging behaviour (you can guarantee the vast majority will be blokes).
These workers have tried to run the business through mob rule. They threw their toys out of the pram, and guess what, no-one wanted to give them, them back…….
Keep Calm and Carry on
Its time to add some humour to the situation.
Know this
There are times in your career when you are on the crest of a wave. When everything that you do is easy and lucid and structured.
There are other times when the reverse Midas touch prevails and everything you touch turns to s**t, crumples in your hand and the pieces blow into the wind.
There are times when your life is full of NNS.
Its what we do, its what we signed up for. No?
Every conversation this week has been tough. Every decision has been difficult. We are in the attritional hard yards.
The trick is chin up, focus on the horizon. Know that every inch you gain today is taking you closer to your goal.
Know that no-one is going to say thank you, but everyone will be grateful.
Know that you are right and the steps you are taking are solid and assured.
Know that there will be an end………….
My Hell is Other People 
