Express yourself
Those cheeky little journo monkeys at Personnel Today are interested in your views on HR blogs and blogging. The survey is uber short so why don’t you give them your views here.
And when you get to the bit about your favourite blog…..don’t forget how much I love you all and value your thoughts, contribution and general presence in my life.
Friday Maths
Who wants a Friday maths lesson?
Sorry…….I can’t hear you…….stay with me on this one……….I promise I’ll be gentle.
According to the Trade Union Congress employers saved £27.4bn ($43.9bn) through the unpaid contribution of workers and are calling on all workers to take part in a “Work Your Proper Hours Day” (catchy marketing guys!) on 26 February this year.
The figures from the TUC show that the 5 million staff undertaking unpaid overtime averaged 7 hours and 12 minutes per week.
Recent surveys also show that employees like to spend time at work doing stuff that….well isn’t….work. Such as surfing the internet, chatting with colleagues, speaking on the phone and generally goofing around (not to mention reading witty and insightful blogs – which is ok and should not be punished under any circumstance).
The average reported time “wasted” at work was 1.7 hours a day. By my calculations that makes 8 and a half hours a week. And unsurprisingly 14% of people said that they wasted time at work because……..you guessed it……their hours were too long.
I’m no champion of people working extra hours. In fact I think anyone who is asked to work significant extra hours for no money should tell their company where to get off. But surely it is about give and take? Surely it is about having an adult relationship here and understanding that sometimes you need to put a little more in and in return sometimes you get a little more out?
Now I’m no maths genius but it seems to me that according to these figures it nets out that the actually the workers owe the employers 6.5 million hours.
I’m a reasonable guy, I don’t want to fight. So let’s stop all the moaning and just call it quits yes?
Who’s for a pint…..the workers are buying?
Every little helps….our bonuses
Ho, ho, ho…..the Christmas spirit has well and truly been packed up and put in the attic for another year.
Bosses of some of the countries biggest employers yesterday showed that they had neither a heart nor any balls. According to reports up to 44% of british workers were absent from work yesterday due to the freak weather conditions that swept the country. Yours truly was one of them. However, the likes of Tesco and Asda (part of the Wal-Mart group) have said that staff who were unable to attend their place of work might have to take the day as unpaid leave or as holiday. But, and this is the big but…..it would be down to the store manager’s discretion.
OK, now I worked in retail for 8 years and these store managers will be bonused on the financial performance of their store. They will also (post-Christmas) be looking for big staff productivity savings as they cut the hours down from the high period in the run up to Chrimbo. I would be surprised if there are many if any of the store managers out there who are thinking “the big boys are saying I can use my discretion to pay my team” most of them I am sure have heard the message, “if you want your bonus you can use your discretion to not pay people who couldn’t get to work through no fault of their own”.
So come on Tesco, come on Asda, come on Marks and Spencer and the banks (but we know you are a bunch of scheisse already)….have the balls to say it from the top and not try to infer that it is all down to local decisions. Have some respect for your managers and your staff. If you aren’t going to pay people who can’t attend then shout it from the top and own it, don’t hide behind mealy mouth expressions of “local discretion”.
And at the same time confirm this to me: If one of your head office staff was not able to make it into your offices – did you dock them a days pay? If one of your senior managers was stuck in a village somewhere did they have to take it as holiday or did you allow them to “work from home”?
We paid people who couldn’t attend work whether they had the ability to work from home or not. Where people got in, we sent them home early. Sure we are not a retailer or a bank, but nor are we a bunch of heartless bastards.
I’m sat writing this on the laptop in my dining room, looking out on the snow which has once again fallen and prevented me from getting into work. I am reliably informed that this has been the heaviest snow fall in the UK since the 1980’s and in one part of Scotland it has been snowing non-stop for 17 days. Even the Isle of Wight has 4 inches of snow…..so Barbados still has a chance I guess?
And with the all-pervading weirdness outside of the window comes weirdness in the world of my blog. I’m not sure whether some of this is down to my incompetence or just “one of those things” (experienced bloggers please feel free to enlighten me!).
The search terms that have brought people to this site continue to amaze and worry me. The worry is two-fold, that people are entering these terms AND that I wrote something that contained the combination of words in the first place! My favourite recent combinations are,
singing + sheep
elvis + body + odor
osama bin laden + sheep
cartoon + porn
nutella + chocolate + cock
bugs bunny + spit + tobacco
This was supposed to be a unique and piquant view on the world of work, business and people….how the hell did I get to writing about all of that? I’m wondering whether as Ryan suggested it could be mercury poisoning???? Maybe I should post some serious deliberations on the Ulrich model or Human Capital thinking to counterbalance. A kind of ying yang thang…..
Then on 2 January I noticed a strange increase in the number of visits to my site and posts on a specific topic. The normal trend on this site is that Monday to Friday traffic is high, Saturday and Sunday it goes off a cliff. So for this to happen on a Saturday and the Saturday after New Year as well seemed……well strange! Turns out those cheeky little monkeys at www.newsbisuit.com were having a little bit of mutual intellectual masturbation and hand landed on my site as a place to spill their loads. Thanks guys…….the dry cleaning bill is in the post.
Finally, yesterday saw my highest ever day of traffic on the site, with visits up three-fold. I didn’t post anything. I didn’t really comment on anybody else’s site. I didn’t say anything controversial (that I remember). And I didn’t offer a competition to win my body for the night(!)
Any insight anyone can give me would be more than welcome. On the weather, cartoon porn, what you do with nutella and……ok not on that one. Explanations on a postcard addressed to TheHRD, I’m Confused Competition, c/o Hell. And don’t forget to state your full name and address…..
A habit does not a monk make
Ok, so I have taken the quote out of context…..sue me! I got the train to work for the first time in ten days this morning and, like ever, I got on at the same door, sat in the same seat and saw the same people who I normally see. All in the same places that they normally are and all doing the things that they normally do. Force of habit I guess that even after a break, we just carry on doing what we do.
And habits, of course, are the things that reassure us. Habits, even when they are bad ones, make us feel better about ourselves, they help us to define who we are, how we are, and ultimately what we are. My guess is there will be a lot of people at the moment wrestling with their habits as part of their New Year resolutions. Ultimately, trying to change who they are and what they are. It is hard, it is tough and many people of course will fail. Thus putting in place another habit. The failing one.
I used to smoke. Not huge amounts, but enough to kill me. I would try time and time to quit and never quite make it. Then not making it became acceptable. Because that was what I did, that was who I was. I was the guy that “tried” to give up smoking but could never quite make it. But the intentions were there right? I mean you can’t blame me….I was trying. Two years ago I went to a hypnotherapist. I went in, spent an hour and 45 minutes (and £250) and have not smoked a cigarette (nor indeed wanted one) since. Was it magic? Don’t ask me, I was out for the count. But the one thing I remember the hypnotherapist saying before the session was that most people who stop and then start again, stop for long enough for the physical addiction to have worn off. It is not the nicotine that gets them. It’s the habit.
I don’t have anything major to “give up” this year – which in itself is a sad portrayal of my slip into middle age. But I am going to be reducing the amount of alcohol that I intake and try to introduce more fish into my diet, both at the advice of the lovely specialist trying to ensure that I don’t slip into an early and unwelcome grave! The latter I’m guessing is going to be easier than the former and I am already trying to get my head around the idea of not having that welcome home glass of white wine. As for work………? That is a slightly harder one. But I have been here for over a year now and I figure I should probably take a look inside that filing cabinet in the corner of my office. You never know, there might be something in there that might be kind of useful.
If you are trying to make a change as a result of a New Year resolution or just for the sake of it, remember it is all in the head. You choose to do it or not do it. You are in control. Good luck with kicking the habit. Just make sure there is no monk in it first.
The power of ten
I was reading a post on another blog when I realised that it was the start of a new decade. I would name check the blogger but they get about three zillions visitors anyway and write about stuff that you wouldn’t be interested in….trust me…..and anyway I need both of you to stay here and keep me company…..ok….so no cheating on me? Anyway, I digress. Now I know it probably sounds a little stupid not having worked out that it was a new decade. But you have to understand, I’m the kind of guy who can’t remember how old he is, what day of the week it is or sometimes even my name. So the thought of counting years…..well that is in the too hard box.
And this other blogger (who you will remember is not as interesting as me so you want to stay here and not go there) was talking about the events in their life in the last ten years and how much can happen in what seems like a relatively short time period. This time, ten years ago I was working for a professional services firm. It was tough work but fun. We worked hard and we played hard. The job took me all over the country and I was seldom in the same place two days in a row. The premise of the service offering was, “you give us the business and we will provide you with the same service at a lower cost”. Our pitch was that we did this through our superior processes and technology. In truth we did this by reducing the number of people and making them work twice as hard. At times it was shocking and it certainly was eye-opening. Anyone that says that the Labour Government has been a failure should remember the national minimum wage and then go and ask the people who we employed on 86p an hour whether it made a difference to them.
At the same time I was whizzing up and down the country, I was also expecting the birth of my first child and you know, those two things they just aren’t compatible. My son was born in February and in March I received a phone call from a very nice man about a job. The job was in retail and initially I was pretty sceptical. I mean retail…..it’s all tins of beans and price checking no? But they talked to me about their growth plans and their strategy and after a while I was a believer. My final interview was apparently the longest anyone can remember the HR DIrector undertaking. Whether that was a good or bad thing I will never know. In July, I jumped ship and started working for them. The first few years were fantastic, we were in growth mode, winning awards left right and centre and making bumper profits year on year. The company genuinely cared about its people and wanted them to be happy and looked after. I got promoted and then promoted and then promoted again. But then the retail sector started experiencing price deflation. The supermarkets were growing in power and under cutting everyone…on everything. In order to compete we had to be cheaper, quicker, simpler. And inevitably that meant cutting costs.
You know you can only go through a certain number of restructures before you become a whole lot jaded. People aren’t people anymore. They just become things. Things that cost money and things that need to be got and got rid of. After 8 years, it was all becoming a little monotonous and mundane. I needed a new challenge and lo and behold a call came from the CEO’s henchmen looking for a gun for hire. And well, yours truly seemed to fit the bill. The rest my friends is contained in the previous posts. I have a good job, I am lucky. But hell, does it take a lot out of me.
The last ten years have seen me work for three companies and hold ten jobs. They have seen me increase my income six fold. They have also seen me father two wonderful children, move house and just about hold together a marriage into its 15th year. During a conversation with my cardiologist the other day (that sounds swankier than it is, believe me) she said, “plan for when you are 50, what you want to be, what you want to do, where you want to be. I mean, you don’t really want to be working like this then do you?” And the realisation is that at the start of the next decade I will be 46, if they choose to go to university, one of my children will already have gone, one will be getting ready to go. And that will hopefully be the time that I prosper from all this hard work and effort.
The last decade was about building.
The next is about maximizing.
Fingers crossed and fate willing, all will be well.
A very happy and prosperous New Year to you all.
Oh the weather outside is frightful…….
It is white, it comes from the sky and it has the ability to bring a country to its knees……ohhh and it’s not God…..or a killer gull.
Yep, the snow is here and of course everything grinds to a halt. The train ride home on Friday was double the normal duration and involved getting off a stop earlier and then getting a cab to retrieve the car. On Saturday they closed the motorway (with me on it) for two hours and then the flight that I was due to meet was delayed by 3 and a half hours. And that is not to mention the poor buggers who got stuck on the Eurostar between London and France. But , on the upside, the schools broke up on Friday and so the kids got to play in the snow and frolic about for once. And I got to pick my Christmas tree from the farm in the snow for the first time EVER in my life.
Predictably, the Monday morning calls and emails are coming in, “My drive has a 45 degree slope and is like an ice rink…..I need to clear it or where will Santa land his sleigh?” or “the village I live in has only one track and a lorry carrying 300 turkeys for slaughter is stuck….it is only the Christian thing to dig it out and help save Christmas” or even “they are forecasting heavy snow later today and I need to make sure I’m home otherwise I’ll miss the appointment with the equine dentist and Rudolph won’t be fit……”
And you know what? For once, I think fuck it. Stay at home. Enjoy it. Put another log on the fire, light up the tree, wrap some presents, watch a movie that should never have been made but sells because its seasonal. Eat, drink and be merry. Spend some time with your family.
It’s been a hard enough year this year for those of us in and (especially) out of work. It’s been full of gloom, doom and pressure. Maybe this is the big guys way of rewarding us all? Throwing a little respite our way. Maybe this is the universe conspiring for once to be good to us and not a total arse?
So my advice to you all? Stay at home, phone in sick, lie about the snow, and what ever you do……take it easy….and enjoy.
Crazy is as crazy does
Maybe it’s the snow?
Maybe it’s the time of year?
Maybe it’s the need for a holiday?
Maybe it’s me?
But can anyone explain why everyone is behaving like a knob?
They are all barmy….completely off their rockers……..totally bonkers.
A sandwich short of a picnic……
A coupon short of a toaster……
Totally batshit…….
I’m holding on……. help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope……….
Pause for thought
CEO: So……….
HRD:…………yes
CEO: Interesting………….
HRD:……………maybe
CEO: Thoughts…………..?
HRD:……………hmmmmm
CEO: I mean………………..
HRD:……………..yes?
CEO: We could……………
HRD:………………could we?
CEO: But then………………
HRD:………………true
CEO:………………..or
HRD:………………or?
CEO: ……………..HRD
HRD: Yes?
CEO………………..just get it fucking sorted………………..
HRD:…………………
Great Expectations
The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfilment of that hope never entirely removes.” – Thomas Hardy
Take the example of a manager (Bob) who is due for retirement. He has raised and nurtured the people within his team and believes that he has one (Bessy) who can take on the mantle when he leaves. Bob believes it so much that he even tells Bessy what he wants for her. He sets out his vision because he wants to engage and enthuse her. Bob wants Bessy to think of him as her champion. He wants Bessy to be grateful and thankful.
But life doesn’t work like that and things change. Bob didn’t ultimately have the power to make these things happen. Circumstances mean that instead the powers that be want to restructure, reorganise and whilst they have a role in mind for Bessy, it’s not the one that she had been led to believe. It’s good, but it’s not that good.
And so we finish in a place that feels worse than where we started. Even though Bessy gets something out of it, it’s not the size of the prize that she had in mind. If nothing had been said she would probably have been happy and contented. Instead she is demoralized and confused. Bob was trying to do a good thing, but ended up doing the opposite.
There is nothing worse than having your hopes dashed. Hoping for a future which turns out to be nothing more than a pipe dream. Like a kid on Christmas Day realizing that Santa has no better idea of what they really like or want than their Mum and Dad.
Sometimes it pays to think about the expectations you raise….and the potential consequences.
My Hell is Other People 