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Speaking in tongues

12/09/2009

The following are extracts from a board meeting yesterday discussing performance management and performance related pay.  For those unfamiliar with the language I have added translations.

“It will just demotivate everyone” – I don’t want to tell people who aren’t performing the truth

“It will be divisive” – If I don’t tell people who aren’t performing the truth they won’t be upset

“It will be demoralising” – I actually tell everyone they are great even if they’re not

“This is putting people in boxes” – Whereas I prefer to use one big box to put everyone in

“The focus of the review will be all about the rating” – People will want to know how they are doing

“We are different” – I depend on people not knowing what goes on to create an impression of achievement

“Everyone is great” – I have no idea what people do or should be doing

“It is impossible to differentiate between them” – I have no idea what people have or haven’t done

“It is one thing in principle, but another in practice” – I am a work-shy bastard with no intention of doing anything difficult.  But pay ME more?

6 Comments leave one →
  1. humanresourcespufnstuf permalink
    12/09/2009 14:25

    I’m going to provide this handy guide to our entire team. This is pure gold sir.

  2. Graham permalink
    12/09/2009 21:41

    An excellent article – i wish i had said it – in fact i might
    well done
    graham

  3. Corporate Daycare permalink
    12/10/2009 15:56

    Holy déja-vu! I think I sat throught that meeting.

    You summed it up perfectly.

  4. Rick permalink
    12/10/2009 22:25

    Excellent piece!

    What about:

    “Our people work hard anyway. PRP won’t make any difference.” = We’ve all got used to the same mediocre standards.

  5. 12/11/2009 08:43

    @Rick – Great addition!

  6. 12/11/2009 12:17

    @Puf – Send the royalties the usual way yes?

    @Graham – Thanks and welcome. Please feel free to repeat and repeat and repeat…..

    @Corporate Daycare – I didn’t see you there. I could have held them down whilst you punched them!

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