Fear is a man’s best friend
I have ambition on my mind. A number of recent conversations have touched on it and at the same time I am starting to consider my next career move. “I don’t have your ambition” a friend told me, this struck me as strange. I never really consider myself ambitious. For me ambition requires a goal an end result a sense of purpose or direction.
I just don’t have this. But I do have drive. I was trying to explain this recently, if there is A and B, my first thought is how quickly I can get between the two. “What happens if you don’t think that?” I was asked. The fact is I didn’t have a clue, because that is what I do and have always done. I don’t do it to be the first, I do it because I have to find out. Everything in my head is a series of small competitions with myself.
On the train there are a number of commuters that I know catch the same tube as me, I have to get down the escalators, through the subway and on it before them. I have a target time that I need to be in the office, if I beat it I’m, elated. When I run, I push myself to go faster each time, even when my knees start to hurt. When I’m cooking I set a time and have to deliver everything to the table at that moment perfectly cooked. If my Yorkshire Puddings aren’t as fluffy as previous there is an enquiry that makes Chilcot look like a Parish Council.
I appreciate this makes me a complete arsehole to be around on any long-term basis. It probably is the cause of a lot of strife for others. I’m a white western European male, so I have heart attack written all over me before I even start with behaviours like these. But to be honest I can’t help it. Give me a pane of glass in the rain and I will be working out which drop is going to get to the bottom first. They introduced league tables onto Bejewelled Blitz on Facebook and it was the end to any free time that I previously had.
I get called arrogant a lot. I’ve written about that before. I’m not arrogant, I’m scared.
“You’re successful, personally, professionally… You make no excuses for asking for even more. I think you’re young to have achieved so much… And wonder a little what else you could want/need?” I was told the other day.
If only I knew.