Touching base
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CEO: HRD……..where the fuck have you been?
HRD: CEO………I’ve been hiding
CEO: ……..hiding?……..from?
HRD:………………….so how are you?
CEO: You need to come and see me more often. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to know what the fuck is going on?
HRD:…….perhaps, you could………..no, second thoughts, maybe not……..
CEO: So tell me, what the fuck IS going on?
[an hour later]
CEO:…….well
HRD:………yes
CEO:………indeed
HRD:………indeed
CEO:…..I
HRD:….you?
CEO:……I mean
HRD:……you mean?
CEO:………so
HRD:………so
CEO:………so?
HRD: Shall I brief the rest of the board?
CEO:………the board?
HRD: Yes, the………other people that sit…….. around that table.
CEO: The Board? Bugger the bloody board, they’re fucking dysfunctional….but HRD?
HRD:………yes?
CEO: You really must come and see me more often………..
It’s a gift……
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So at most companies now its performance review time right? Even here is my little slice of hell they are trying to review…..the emphasis on trying. They are trying. In more ways than one. Anyway, that’s not what I’m talking about here, I’m trying to lay off the swearing and if I start talking about the dickish behaviour that the people here are currently exhibiting I’ll surely end up in the crap.
Instead, I thought I’d share with you my performance review….because we are open like that aren’t we? We get along? We trust one another?
I started this blog in March 2009, so I’m a relative newbie to the scene. The first post was on 31 March and on 11 April I got my first comment. I can’t tell you how exciting that was! So? I don’t get out much ok. Want to make something of it?
That means I have been going for nearly a year now. This is my appraisal of my year…….
Achievements:
1. I’m still here and I’m still writing. A lot of the blogs that I was reading when I started out seem to have died a death. So I’m taking this as a positive. Let’s hope that is not the kiss of death!
2. I’ve interacted with a lot of nice people over the year, people with the same views as me, people with different views to me, people from all over the world. People I respect, people I think have potential and a few people who I think are talking out of their arses
3. Technically, I moved from blogger to wordpress and managed not to fuck it up totally. I’m not sure I did everything right and there are still improvements I want to make, but then hey I’m an HR Director not a tech geek
4. I think I’ve made a few people laugh along the way, maybe caused people to think? I never wanted to be a serious HR blog, there are far too many of those already, nor did I want to be exclusively about HR. Hopefully I’ve achieved that balance
Areas for Development (aka weaknesses):
1. My spelling and grammar are bollocks. I never realised how needy I was in this area. I have a PA, that covers my back…but it hardly feels sensible to ask her to type my blog posts! The educational mantra when I grew up was not to teach grammar but that it would come naturally. You know what? That’s crap. It doesn’t
2. My swearing is an abomination. This is supposed to be my non-swearing week, but I know that so far in this post I’ve done a couple. By the way, I type these things straight out stream of consciousness style and don’t edit – hence the inability to not swear and also the inability to write properly (see 1 above)
3. The lack of a community of British/European HR bloggers. Not that I don’t love my American friends (you know you all rock) but every time I write about something specifically English (see yesterdays post) the comments fall off a cliff
4. My use of Twitter. So I’ve had an account for……forever, but only started using it properly over the last few weeks. Much of the stuff that passes my eyes, confuses the crap out of me and I have no idea what the etiquette is. Still, ladybird steps and all that, at least I’m there?
So that is my appraisal, but I’m all into 360 feedback (despite it being the devil’s spawn). What do you think? What could I do more of, less of? I don’t want smoke blown up my arse. I want your feedback.
Education, education, education
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So this is the post where I kill the comments by talking about UK politics. But hell, I never wanted to be popular anyway! Let me introduce you to David Cameron.
For those of you who don’t know David Cameron (and quite frankly why the hell should you?) he is the UK version of Obama…..well apart from he is not black….nor cool……nor a Democrat…..nor even vaguely likeable. But why worry about details? David is apparently the “wind of change” blowing through UK politics and likely, many believe, to be the next Prime Minister. So those of you in the US, will probably see his airbrushed image over there pretty soon.
Yesterday dear little David set out his view on teachers and schools to much fanfare and excitement. As far as I can understand it, the policy is “sack the current crap teachers and recruit lots of bright shiny new ones”. Which of course, on the face of it, sounds like a plan doesn’t it? I mean in all of our businesses, if we could get rid of the poor performers and recruit really good people….then our lives would all be better right? And of course to soften the blow they mentioned that they would help the crap teachers to “move to jobs to which they might better be suited”. I don’t know when the last time Davey C was in a school, but I was in one this morning and I can tell you there wasn’t an abundance of non-teaching jobs ready to be filled.
But the thing that really got my goat on the whole of this, was their assertion that they would pay off the student debt for those that applied to be teachers with a good degree from a “good University”. They said the number of “good Universities would be in the “low dozens”. Which basically rules out most of them. Now there are three points to this, first there is a class issue. Second there is a skills and aptitude issue. Finally there is an economic argument.
Here is a statistic for you, there are more pupils that get three A grades at A-level (that is the top score) coming out of Eton College (the prestigious and highly expensive private school that Cameron went to) than from the whole of the population in the UK that are entitled to free school meals (the poorest in our communities). The higher the grades, the better the University you go to. So de facto, the top Universities tend to have a greater proportion of middle and upper class students. Way to go David, champion of the people. And whilst we’re at it should we reintroduce the workhouse?
There is also an assumption that having a “good degree” from a “good university” will make you a “good teacher”. Now I don’t work in education but I do spend a lot of time in schools and I wouldn’t mind betting that there is absolutely no correlation between a teachers educational attainment and their performance as a teacher. There is a whole myriad of skills that are required. Sure David may have seen some very well-educated teachers at Eton and of course they delivered results (look at the resource that they had to work with) but go to Peckham or Salford or Tiger Bay and you will see teachers delivering fantastic results in much harder circumstances and probably with less prestigious educational backgrounds. They bring a whole load of different skills to the party, it is not all about their education.
Finally, why the hell are paying off the loans of the more privileged for them to come into teaching for a short while and then bugger off into the city once they have fulfilled their initial contracts? The only way you are going to keep them is by paying a whole world more than they do at the moment. And where is that money going to come from David? Have you done the maths? How do you retain these people once they have had their pound of flesh? And who the hell advised you that this was anywhere near a sensible policy?
Reasons to be cheerful…….1,2,3
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So this is Christmas Blue Monday is it? The most depressing day of the year……? Well allegedly. Although the “most depressing” bit was created by some chap in a PR firm….so clearly it must be true?
So in among all the adverts you’ll see for holidays today and all the doom, gloom and general suck, here are my ten reasons why I am not down and Blue Monday can go and fuck itself up the arse.
1) I am healthy. I know this because my heart has been placed under every test known to man and many unknown…and if the “hot doc” tells me the results are A1…well hell, I’m going to believe her.
2) The days are getting longer and summer is on the way. The snow was a temporary blip and I can already start to smell the fields in the sun.
3) The eighties are back in fashion which is convenient because if I want a laugh all I need to do is look at the way people are dressed on the tube (I was there the first time and it sucked then!)
4) You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends….and I have some very dear friends that I know have got my back.
5) There is finally good evidence that strong wines are a nonsense and we can hopefully move back to sensible alcoholic volumes thus aiding both my health and my head in the morning.
6) My faith is humanity has been renewed by the response to Haiti. All we need to do is keep these sentiments up all year-round people. Charity is not just for Christmas.
7) Every day there are millions of children learning and doing amazing things. They are laughing, playing, enjoying life even under difficult circumstances. We were all like that once, we still can be.
8) The “Global Financial Crisis” was not as bad as it could have been. No really it wasn’t……. And to prove it, I’m putting my money where my mouth is and am going to buy a new house. Donations by post……please?
9) Research into diagnosing Alzheimer’s disease is advancing at a pace. As some who comes from a family which has been struck by Alzheimer’s and dementia, anything that can be done to eradicate these awful conditions is reason alone to be cheerful.
10) I have love in my life. I love and I am loved.
So, Blue Monday? I think not….we all have reasons to be cheerful. Don’t we?
One bollock at a time – Part 5
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The last bollock and perhaps the biggest one of all. (Incidentally, I realise that I have been potty mouthed this entire week and promise not to swear for the entirety of next week. If I slip up you can call me on it and I will donate £10 for each swear word to a charity of your choice. Ok?)
But seeing as that starts next week……..
Ever since I mistakenly fell into my first HR job, my ears have been filled with the moans and groans that “we are not taken seriously enough” that “we should have a seat on the board” that “the business is showing that it doesn’t value its people”.
No….it’s showing that it doesn’t value its HR department. And you know what? That is your fault. Suck it up and take some responsibility for fucks sake. If you play sport and you don’t get picked for the first team that is not the team’s fault, its not the coaches fault…..it’s yours. You dust yourself down, get back into training and you show that you have the mettle, you prove your value and you make sure that yours is the first name on the team sheet. That is how you get picked, not by sitting in the corner, tearing strips off tissues and complaining about how you are “misunderstood by society”.
If you aren’t being taken seriously in your business, if you aren’t being involved or included. Get out there, knock a few doors down, turn a few heads, make a difference. Create your legend and live it. THAT is how you get to the top.
HR deserves a seat on the board? HR deserves nothing. That is the final bollock.
One bollock at a time – Part 4
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The law that is Google shows 31 million entries for the search leadership training most of which probably point you to some consultancy or training provider offering “unique and proven interventions” to “add value to your leadership team” and “remove money from your already limited budgets in return for the emperors new clothes”. OK, you spotted I made the last one up didn’t you?
I have had the pleasure of working with and speaking to leaders of some of the biggest and most successful organisations within the UK. People running the most successful businesses within their sector and regarded by the business world as being true leaders. Without exception they either have never been on a leadership course or if they have could not remember it. Is that a coincidence?
No. These guys have something innate. Something that differentiates them from the people around them. It’s not necessarily the same trait. They are all individual and unique. But they have something that makes people follow them, believe in them, want to succeed for them. Look around at the managers near to you, think about the ones that you have worked for. I bet you can spot the difference between the good and bad. But I bet you can also spot the difference between the managers and the leaders.
It’s not training, it’s not building a raft out of orange juice cartons, it’s not getting in touch with your inner dolphin, it’s not competency frameworks or models. If it was Google would only return one result. “The key to being a leader”. But it doesn’t, because there isn’t one. Make better, improve, hone….sure. But you must have the raw materials there in the first place.
Each true leader is unique (and probably a little unbalanced) thats ok….lets keep it that way….and be done with the 4th bollock.
One bollock at a time – Part 3
We are all engaged in a war for talent aren’t? No we are not. This is the third bollock.
I would guarantee that if you looked around your organisation today, if you truly looked, you would find it awash with talent. Most likely, underused, under motivated, under rewarded and under managed. But you do talent reviews right? And succession plans and you have a talent register and performance reviews and 360 degree appraisals and and and and………
Most organisations, in my experience and including my own, are inept at identifying, retaining and attracting talent. It is not because the talent isn’t there, it’s because we don’t recognise it. We put in place all these ridiculous constructs to try to show that we are taking it seriously, but miss the point that true talent is individual and unique. The person underperforming in one role could be a star in the next. The anti corporation rebel could be just the guy you need to think about new projects and markets. The guy that ticks all the boxes and comes in with shiny shoes every day….he probably isn’t your talent.
On the external market there has never been more talent on the market in the whole of my professional life. You only have to read around the blogs to hear of good, high quality professionals who have been made redundant and are looking for work. The talent is out there but are we brave enough to embrace them and bring them into the fold? We need to dump our prejudices about the unemployed, about age, about background. We need to shake off the shackles of conservative restraint and start to take a few risks. The organisations that get these guys onboard now are the ones that will fly in the future.
The talent is there, it is all around you. The only war for talent is the one going on inside your head.
One bollock at a time – Part 2
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There are a million reasons to find the “HR Gurus” out there and shove a stone carved Ulrich model up their arses. At the top of the list has to be the idea of “Strategic HR Management”. I am sick and tired of hearing the word strategy combined with HR. I am sick and tired of receiving CVs which start, “….is a strategic HR generalist….”
What the fuck does it mean? Can you strategically dismiss someone? Can you strategically pay someone? It is all a load of old bollocks. If you mean, “think ahead” well then I should bloody well hope so. If you mean, “understand how things fit with the business” then you should be sacked if you don’t. They are just natural business skills that we should all have anyway.
There is of course the need to think about people implications in the context of the overall business strategy. But that is part of the business strategy. HR’s role is to make sure that the people implications are considered in the way that Marketing makes sure that the customer implications are considered and finance make sure that the financial implications are considered. It is integral. It doesn’t sit separately within the HR department.
Instead, when we bang on about “strategic HR” what we are really saying is “take us seriously please, we can add value, we are helpful. Can we have a seat at the big table….pretty please with a cherry on top?” Frankly, anyone who goes around banging on about “strategic HR” doesn’t deserve a seat anywhere other than in some expensive conference or seminar full of other similarly stupid people being talked to by some “guru” who is laughing all the way to the bank at their expense.
This is the second bollock.
One bollock at a time – Part 1
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“HR need to get hung up on the telephone”
“The strategic imperative of placing an advert in the newspaper. It’s black and white for HR”
“SMS SOS as HR fail to grasp the joy of text”
No I haven’t lost the plot. Well ok, maybe a little bit, but my point is….you wouldn’t expect to read any of these would you? But add Linked in, Facebook, Twitter to the headlines and you would be replicating fairly much every HR website and journal out there as well as far too many blogs. Don’t get me wrong, I think social media and social networking technology are hugely important developments. But they are societal developments, they are evolution, not an entity that has occurred and is passing, but a stage in the ever forming, ever-changing communications framework of this place we call earth. Back in the day it was Yahoo chatrooms then MSN, Friends Reunited where there for a moment, then Facebook, MySpace, Twitter…..
I struggle to find many other professions that would take them half as earnestly as the HR profession. Because they would just get on and use them. Us? We like to talk about them, to cogitate and ruminate and then beat ourselves up for not being ahead of the game. Well guess what? Stop talking about it and start doing it. These things are not new, these things are not avant-garde or the next big thing. Most are coming up to being a decade old and yet you read the posts and the tweets from the HR community and you’d think they were happening now. This is HR bollock number one. That social media is the next big thing. It ain’t.
Only HR could create a fad and then blame itself for not taking account of it.
5 loads of HR bollocks
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1) Social networking and media is the next big thing – Nope, it was one of the last medium-sized things. It is part of business and life as usual. If you have to ask the question whether your organisation is maximizing its use of these technologies – you already know the answer. The next big thing? Well that would be telling.
2) HR needs to be more strategic – Read it again and weep. That is like saying food needs more salt. Depends what you are eating and what you like. HR needs to be right for the organisation in which it is working. Strategy, mission statement, core values……….bleeding eyeballs.
3) There is a war for talent – No, there isn’t. There really isn’t. If you have the right organisation, with the right roles and the right offering, this is one of the easiest times to recruit I can remember in the last 15 years. If you are struggling it is because of you and your organisation not because of external factors.
4) You can train leadership – Nah, not true. You can develop leadership qualities, but they need to be there in the first place. You can train management skills, but leadership? Nope. All great leaders are different. They have strengths and weaknesses. But their key leadership qualities are innate.
5) HR deserves a place on the board – Big bag of balls. HR deserves nothing. HR should earn its place. What right do we have for anything? Stop moaning about injustice and start fighting. Stand up, deliver, be counted. Easy really.
WNMK4UAESCAW
My Hell is Other People 