Resigned to my destiny
So I guess the question you’re asking is – did I? If this makes no sense to you, then you should know that I had to make a decision on Friday. To resign or not to resign.
At this point I should make an apology. I know some of my family sometimes read this. I don’t want you to panic. And I’m sorry if I haven’t talked some of this through with you……some things are just hard to talk about. Forgive me?
Let’s take a step back. Do you know sometimes when you have to drive a long way….maybe on a route that you know. And all of a sudden you kind of come to and wonder how the hell you got where you were? You know you’ve been driving, you are still in the car, but you don’t remember the turns, the junctions, the miles that you have covered….
I struggle to even remember why I came to work in HR anymore. Someone recommended it. I trained. It just happened. I was married, I needed a job. I applied, I applied, I applied again. And eventually I got a gig at a Hospital where nobody else wanted to work. Turns out I was pretty good at what I did. Smarter than the average bear….And 14 years later I’m there. Made it. Didn’t I?
And on Friday I found myself there sat in my office, the door closed, with a resignation letter in one hand. It wasn’t a bad day. I mean….it was a bad day, but that wasn’t the reason why. I was exhausted, I had nothing, nothing more to give. Sure we’re used to being beaten up in this line of work. I’ve had the best part of 15 years going head to head, toe to toe every working day. It wasn’t the result of a day, it was more than that.
The truth is that I fell out of love with “HR” (as we know it) some years ago. If you’d asked me, I would have told you how great my company was, how great life was and I how I was going to take the world by storm. But if you could have read my mind, you would have seen a gas meter slowly draining towards empty.
And on Friday, I was driving on fumes.
It wasn’t some kind of spoof or ego trip. I’m indebted to some lovely people who sent me some very kind messages. They know who they are. I came home and I talked to my wife. It wasn’t an easy conversation…..by any means. It didn’t quite go as well as it might have done. It was emotional and bloody painful. I learned that saying you are unhappy is hard. And hearing it is maybe harder.
And then, in the early hours of Saturday morning I remembered this…. a post that I wrote in January.
So no. I didn’t resign. But something did break….something is broken. It felt like I’d been given a life sentence. But I’ve realised, maybe I can make it a short stretch. I’m not there, but maybe, maybe I can keep on driving…..keep on autopilot for the next 10 years. If I know the exit is just up ahead…..surely I can keep going?
2020…..you can’t come around soon enough.
I guess sometimes you just a need a storm to clear the air.