……….
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So, it was always going to be a risk. Anyone who knows me will tell you I can be impetuous at times. Attending the London Tweet Up was a risk too far.
I’ve paid the price.
Signing out now. Thank you (it’s been a blast) I’m sorry and Goodbye…..
PS. And whoever it was, I hope you rot in hell with me….
UPDATE: HAPPY ALL FOOLS’ DAY EVERYONE……STILL LOVE ME?
Connecting HR – The inside story
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Ok, let’s be upfront here…..most HR people are a boring bunch of fuckers who you’d rather hop across the M1 in rush hour blindfolded, whistling the theme to “The A Team” than spend an evening with…..
I can say that, I am one. I work with them. So why in the name of Satan’s balls would I choose to spend my playtime with them? God only knows maybe it was the promise of mephedrone. But I did. On Monday night I went to the London Tweet Up. What follows are my reflections after my long and intensive session with my therapist yesterday:
1) Networking without a name or job or company is tough. I was reduced to sitting there waiting for people to talk to me – thank fuck there were nice people out there who took pity on an inarticulate bald bespectacled fool
2) A huge big up to the guys at Personnel Today….(I can’t believe I wrote that)…..let me be clear, your magazine is shit and has always been (!), but online you are starting to rock…..keep it up you journalist monkey dudes….
3) Aussie chicks have a thing for glasses and love handles……but apparently only after wine…….(Katrina Collier, you got ma number baby……..call me!)
4) A lot of HR people ARE boring twats. “I work in recruitment, what do you do?” is the equivalent of a t-shirt saying “Get your syphilis here”….”me? I bite the heads off babies and have sex with cadavers….”
5) Marital disharmony and infidelity are not appropriate topics for a tweet up….ever…..full stop….m’kay?
6) Rick is the Guardian and the Observer, I am the Sunday Sport and the Beano…and I’m ok with that…..
7) Jon Ingham and Gareth Jones are good dudes…….despite looking like a couple of creepy children’s entertainers (don’t worry guys, the panto season is soon upon us……….)
‘8) Internal Comms people rock…..but they kind of scare me….in the way that Jehovah’s do…..follow me?
9) There are a whole amount of cool HR and IC professionals out there that aren’t twats or spooky-staring-stab-you- in- the-rectum-when-you-bend-to-get-the-milk-from-the-fridge people. I would love to mention everyone that I met, but….well fuck me, I don’t remember your names….but at least one of you was damned cute…..or was that the beer?
10) We don’t do enough in the UK to support the HR blogging and tweeting community. I love my friends in the US (by which I include Canada….because essentially you are a province :)), you are bigger than us (normally in the butt area) but we need to do more here and stop looking across the pond. Jon and Gareth are making a start, but fucking get behind it idiots….lets start taking this seriously, lets start agitating, discussing, energizing, debating, rocking the world that we know. Lets start a debate that freaks the fuck out of the boring idiots that define what “HR” should be…….there is another tweet up provisionally planned for June 24, get there, connect, make your views known and for pity’s sake……stand the fuck up and be counted…..NOW!
PS. My potty mouth is back…..did you notice?
PPS. When I call you idiots…..its a term of endearment……honest!
TheHRD revealed
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Friday last saw the unveiling of the results of a poll carried out by Xpert HR Employment Intelligence revealing the “Top Six blogs for 2010”. I was astounded and much honoured to find myself ranking third, sandwiched between Laurie and Sharlyn, a situation that has only ever occurred before in the dark recesses of my mind on a cold,wet and lonely Friday night. As well as providing me with the opportunity to unleash some slightly dodgy jokes about fellow bloggers, the poll was, of course, also proof that having a large family does indeed have its upsides…..if any of you (other than my family) clicked through and voted for me then I thank you kindly.
Also in the top six (why six I wonder….a reference to six of the best….is Michael Carty the author ex Public School? Michael we are here for you….) are Rick from Flipchart Fairytales and Jon Ingham from Strategic HCM. I mention these two specifically because tonight they will also be attending the London HR Tweet Up this evening (along with a host of other lovely people).
Surprisingly I will be present aswell.
I say surprising because this poses me some obvious difficulties. Since I started this blog I have always worked under the name TheHRD, I don’t do it for some wanky brand building or a sense of over importance. I started because I wanted to be able to write what I wanted without any implications for my organisation or my employment with that organisation (I’ve got two little HRDs to feed goddamit!). Over time, I’ve just got used to having two “lives” very few people know both my identities and they are people who I trust either because they are friends from before or because they understand the implications for me.
When Jon initial mentioned the possibility of attending, I replied that it put me in some what of a quandary in terms of my identity. His response that I should wear a disguise was neither helpful nor indeed intended seriously. I know that Rick has the same issues, although at least he can introduce himself as Rick, what do I use, “The”? Since starting blogging I have been to other events as the real me, but that is easy, I just lose TheHRD bit and bob along in the real world (although bless the person that I met not so long ago that mentioned I should read the blog myhellisotherpeople because “it’s really funny”….).
I’ve thought long and hard about what to do, I’ve been advised not to go by people looking out for me. But when did I ever follow anyones advice? So tonight, for the first time I will be appearing as TheHRD but with the real me in tow. I’m kind of hopeful that no one knows me from my real life and we can all get along fine, but I’ll make sure I have my running shoes on to make a swift exit just in case.
There are still 6 places left as of this morning, so if you want to see a man dealing awkwardly with his schism there is still time to sign up. But if you do sign up or you already have signed up and you find that you know me, you have a choice…..keep your counsel or rohypnol…..you get what I’m saying?
Spring clean your life
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Walking through the streets of London last night (although admittedly without Ralph McTell in tow…but that would just have been weird and distracting) it really felt like Spring was here for good. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it was balmy, but warm enough to shed your coat and to lift ones spirits and focus on the more enjoyable things in life.
And with the energy this brings it is the perfect time to spring clean. No I’m not going all domestic goddess on you (but believe me do I look ‘to die for’ in an apron with a feather duster in my hand). I’m talking about your work and life.
Those supposed friends that are hanging around but offering you nothing back in return – dump them
The contacts that are always trying to get you to give them a leg up or the inside track – cut them loose
The team members that aren’t pulling their weight – set them free
The jobs that you have been prevaricating over – tick them off or cross them off
Whatever is holding you back and getting in your way – get rid and move on
Spring is on its way, it is time for lightness, for frivolity, for fun and for enjoyment. Cut the dead weights loose today and prepare yourself for a little hedonistic indulgence.
Because you’re worth it.
Fear is a man’s best friend
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I have ambition on my mind. A number of recent conversations have touched on it and at the same time I am starting to consider my next career move. “I don’t have your ambition” a friend told me, this struck me as strange. I never really consider myself ambitious. For me ambition requires a goal an end result a sense of purpose or direction.
I just don’t have this. But I do have drive. I was trying to explain this recently, if there is A and B, my first thought is how quickly I can get between the two. “What happens if you don’t think that?” I was asked. The fact is I didn’t have a clue, because that is what I do and have always done. I don’t do it to be the first, I do it because I have to find out. Everything in my head is a series of small competitions with myself.
On the train there are a number of commuters that I know catch the same tube as me, I have to get down the escalators, through the subway and on it before them. I have a target time that I need to be in the office, if I beat it I’m, elated. When I run, I push myself to go faster each time, even when my knees start to hurt. When I’m cooking I set a time and have to deliver everything to the table at that moment perfectly cooked. If my Yorkshire Puddings aren’t as fluffy as previous there is an enquiry that makes Chilcot look like a Parish Council.
I appreciate this makes me a complete arsehole to be around on any long-term basis. It probably is the cause of a lot of strife for others. I’m a white western European male, so I have heart attack written all over me before I even start with behaviours like these. But to be honest I can’t help it. Give me a pane of glass in the rain and I will be working out which drop is going to get to the bottom first. They introduced league tables onto Bejewelled Blitz on Facebook and it was the end to any free time that I previously had.
I get called arrogant a lot. I’ve written about that before. I’m not arrogant, I’m scared.
“You’re successful, personally, professionally… You make no excuses for asking for even more. I think you’re young to have achieved so much… And wonder a little what else you could want/need?” I was told the other day.
If only I knew.
Topping, the talent agenda
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When I was a young whipper snapper of an HR ninja, whenever people asked me whether I had a “killer question” or a way of selecting the great candidates, I used to reply that I asked them if they were a biscuit what biscuit they would be. Of course it wasn’t true because that would be a stupid question to ask. That said, I managed to convince a number of people and I did once throw it into an interview to mix it up a little when I was starting to get bored (having the attention span of a goldfish is not conducive to interviewing).
Now, I’m older and wiser, and slightly less well equipped in the hair department, I realise how foolish this was and how naive you are when younger. The real measure of talent, I know now is not an accompaniment to a “nice cup of tea”, to suggest such is far too facile. The measure of talent is, of course, a persons favourite pizza topping. Think about it, the multitude of combination, the array of ingredients, the amount of individual choice. Common sense really, no?
I’m thinking that anyone who ever adds pineapple to a pizza is probably going to spend most of their time at work cluttering up space without adding any real benefit. Those with a penchant for anchovies are clearly from psychopathic genes and should be avoided at all costs. The fan of the mighty meaty, well it says it all……the proportion of grey matter to body matter will not be sufficient to move from the office chair that they got stuck in 1978. Vegetarian pizzas, Christ I don’t want sanctimonious assholes around me at work, eat some dead animal and grow up. Mushrooms are the devils work and are just wrong. No discussion! As for the person that always looks for the hottest, spiciest, deadliest pizza…..I respect you, you push yourself, you look for more, you take risks. But by God, you are not getting your hands on my accounts.
PIzza – it’s the new competency framework. What do you like and what does it say about you?
PS – Do you like what I did with the title? 🙂
Return of the bollock (for one day only)
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“Unlocking potential” must be right up there with “people are our greatest asset”, “the war for talent” and “employer branding” as one of the largest pieces of yawny bollocks spouted in the world of business. The words sound great, like “eat as much as you can” but the reality is always a somewhat less appealing glutenous mass and generally ends up as a pile of shit.
What do we mean by “unlocking potential”? In most companies, I would hazard a guess that they mean “make you work better/harder” or at best perhaps “move you to another role where you can do less damage”. Is that really about potential? I daren’t put a number on the emails that arrive in my inbox informing me how this software or that training can help “unlock the potential of your workforce”. Type it into Google and you get over 14 million results!
The total misnomer here is that by saying you are going to unlock someone’s potential, you are first and foremost saying that they haven’t done so already which you don’t know until you try to unlock it. So how can you say in advance that you can when maybe the potential is as free and running naked through the streets? Aha, I can hear the consultants say, but people have unending potential. In which case, surely you have never truly unlocked it? Either way it makes no sense.
This is the kind of circular argument that Freudians use, “You are in love with your mother” they say, “Err….no I’m not, she’s nice and all that…but…..ya’know…..” I reply, “”Ahhh, but then you are repressed…”
If you want to see people who are going anywhere near “unlocking potential” go and see teachers working with kids with special educational needs, go and see the supported workers helping alienated children and youths integrate back with society, go and see the coaches working with disabled sports people. These are people who are truly helping people to go places that they never dared dream was possible.
Unlocking potential in the work place? You try to unlock my potential mate and you’ll get more than you expect!
Where you at?
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I’d like to pose a question to the HR practitioners and those that have worked in or with HR. Where are you? No I haven’t been sniffing the marker pens again, I mean physically….where is HR?
I was talking with someone the other day, and after getting through the inevitable “…no being in HR doesn’t mean I have to like people, in fact I think it inhibits your ability if you like people too much, just look at Tiger Woods….” part of the conversation and explaining what I did, she replied, “so that is why they always hide you away in some dingy corner”.
Sadly, there is more than a grain of truth in this. When I think about my previous organisations, with the exception of one, we have always been hidden away like the alcoholic grandma with Tourette’s at the family christening. When I arrived at my current organisation, I found I was on the oddball floor with all the parts of the organisation that didn’t seem to fit anywhere else….the organisational equivalent of Glee but without the hidden talent.
And before anyone starts to talk about status envy, let me be clear: where you sit in an organisation does matter. Not just because of status, but because of accessibility. If you think about going to a train station and the people are behind what feels like bullet proof glass and you can’t hear them or talk to them properly or see them. How do you feel about that?
One of the sad things is that quite often HR people are responsible for this, with proclamations about confidentiality blah, blah, blah. Because other areas of the business don’t have to deal with confidential information? When I enquired whether I could move my team from its current location to somewhere more open and accessible I was told that my predecessor had actually argued for the barricades that surround us to be erected and they cost a lot of money…….
When I talk to other HR pros about this, the number of times people tell me that they too sit in unusual or hidden places. So what is going on? Is this HR again lacking in confidence and wanting to hide? Is this organisations not rating their departments and putting them in dark corners? Or is this a figment of my imagination forced by the need to fill the electronic equivalent of column inches?
Come out of the shadows and give me your thoughts?
As time goes by……
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Sometimes in life you have a moment of pure full-on clarity and you realise how much everything has moved on. Sure we are all cognisant of the “digital age” of web 2.0, web 3.0 blah blah blah. But these are ethereal concepts that monopolise technology pages and blend into relative insignificance through their repetitive nature. Nothing hits you harder between the eyes than cold, real life examples.
I was in the car last night taking the family out for a meal for mothers’ day. It is rare that I am driving anywhere on a Sunday night and normally we are at home with the hatches battened down preparing for the week ahead, a glass of wine to hand. And because I only tend to listen to the radio in the car, it is also rare that I listen to radio on a Sunday evening.
Last night for the first time in, well a very, very, very long time I listened to the Top 40. The moment I realised what it was, I turned to my wife and asked, “did you used to listen to this as a kid?” and we started a conversation about lying in bedrooms listening to the radio to hear the songs that were up and coming, the artists that you liked, the artists you were supposed to like and the artists that even to this day I have never understood why any vinyl was ever given over the propagation of their music.
I used to sit with a tape recorder next to the radio, waiting for the songs I liked to come on so that I could record them to listen to later in the week. Not connected to the radio mind you (although that did come later) but next to it, the play and record buttons pressed down, my finger on pause. The smells of the Sunday roast cooking, trying to make sure my brother didn’t come into the room by accident in the middle of a song, hoping the DJ wouldn’t talk over the end of the track…..Interestingly I was once told that they did that to stop people recording the songs, if that is true it didn’t work, but it did make me loathe them with a passion.
Compare and contrast with earlier in the day when my ten-year old was talking to me about a song. He said one of the kids at badminton had been singing it, something about “Fireflies”. We took his laptop, and I showed him Last FM where he searched and found the song, listened to it, and listened to other things like it. Twenty minutes later he came back to me and asked whether it was ok to download an album (are they still called that?) on to his iPod. He had some credit from an e-voucher that he received for his birthday and a few minutes later he had downloaded JLS (…..he’s ten ok!….) and was away listening.
I’m not old, it wasn’t a million years ago that I was there with my tape recorder, but things have moved on so fast. On the train this morning, I worked out I bought my first CD in 1990 which was the Hothouse Flowers after seeing them perform at Glastonbury. I bought that CD (a format that is in decline) in Boots, a shop that no longer sells music. The fact that it feels like only yesterday may be about my age, or it may be about the speed of change. You only have to look at the first generation iPods to realise how much has moved on.
With technology moving at such speed, the future remains so unpredictable. We cannot know what impacts it will have on our work lives or on our personal lives. The moment we have started to understand the latest developments we are already out of date. It kind of leaves me nostalgic and longing for Sunday nights spent with my finger on the pause button and falling asleep with dreams inspired by Tomorrow’s World, but I guess that’s not an option. That is the reality we are facing, like it or not. As quickly as we became the future so we are also becoming the past.
Bring it on JLS, I’m ready for you…..I hope.
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The first quarter of this year has been trying in the extreme, so for anyone who wants them here are my top ten tips for dealing with stress:
1) Go for a run. Running is scientifically proven to reduce stress. It clears your mind and relaxes your muscles.
2) Punch someone. Ok so this may seem a little extreme, but believe me it has its medicinal worth. It can also be combined with 1 (above) if the person is bigger than you.
3) Have a cuddle. Make sure it is with a willing participant otherwise they may use it as an opportunity to indulge in 2 (above) therefore reducing their stress levels but increasing yours.
4) Read a book. Ok, so we have all this social media stuff and internet and mobile technologythingumbybobs. But give yourself a quiet half hour with a book and see whether you feel better. (NOTE: HR textbooks or books by “Business Gurus” do not fall within this category)
5) Drink. Ok so this one might sound contrary to all medical advice given by anyone anywhere outside of Russia. But the odd glass of what you fancy will not kill you, it will not hurt you and it will make you feel better about the world.
6) Tell someone how you feel. Kind of obvious, but how many times do we stew over something that is really winding us up, and it just becomes bigger and bigger and bigger and…… Wouldn’t it just be easier to let it out? We all know, better out than in…..
7) Get some sun. This may play more towards those of us that live in cold climes. But a little sun on the face, the feeling of warmth on your body, it makes you happy. If you have been wading through snow, ice, rain for months then of course you are stressed. Every day is grim. Seek the sun, this is not indulgence, this is investment in YOU plc.
8) Skive off, take a duvet day. Remember Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? You know what I’m saying? Just don’t crash the car…..
9) Go home on time every day for a week. What is the worst that can happen? And you never know you might even start a trend within your workplace.
10) Leave your job. Either involuntarily because of 2,3,4,5,6,8 or 9 above. Or because it sucks and you deserve better life.
NOTE: Any unpleasantness that results from following any of the above advice is a direct result of karma and in no way can be attributable to me or this website. You create your own luck in this game! 🙂
My Hell is Other People 